Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Not Coming Out

In the last eighteen months since I left David, I have had several people ask me if I was coming out as gay. As far as I know I still just like boys, but I guess if I found a girl who loved me, well that would be ok too.

I just don't get why people think they need to know the answer to this question. Do they want to treat me differently because they think I might like girls? Really? Why the hell is it anyone else's business.

I've been growing the dyed part out of my hair back to it's natural colour {grey} and I'm so sick of the process I'm going to cut it all off. But the only thing holding me back was the fact that I'm going to get more of the comments about being a Lesbian. 

And then I realised how ridiculous this is. Why is this even a conversation? Really. The only time it should be a conversation is when your friend falls in love and then you can congratulate them. The rest of the time, we are just people living our lives.

I promise that as soon as I find someone who loves me and I love them back, THAT WILL BE NEWS, and I'll write about it. But in the meantime, let's just try not to push each other into boxes to make ourselves feel more comfortable. OK? ok. 

Sunday, August 14, 2016


It wasn't until I became single, that I really started to take photos of myself. Instead of being someone who supports a partner, I became someone who has to support herself. I take a photo of myself quite often now, especially when the kids aren't there. I think it is because I need to be able to place myself in the picture I have in my head. I need to be able to reflect on where I am and what I am doing.

I am not saying
"look at me" or
"don't I look great/shit" or
"gosh I am amazing/crap".

No not at all.

What I am saying is,
I am here
and I'm not going anywhere, I'm here to stay.
You can choose to like me or not,
I'm still me.

It might seem weird taking photos of myself, but honestly it feels good to finally be putting myself in the picture. I think I will keep on doing it for a while yet. It's a process of learning to feel ok about just being me. Well that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!!

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Renting space in my head....

I can't tell you how good it is to have one day job that I like.
Honestly it makes all the difference.
No longer am I trying to juggle Facebook posts,
deadlines and other people's dramas in my head.
I'm loving it.

It's the brain equivalent of having a tidy house.
Just like a tidy house gives you space to do what you actually want,
having a tidy brain gives me space to be creative.

I feel so much better, it was totally worth the pain.
But reinforces that thing I say over and over,
the pain has to get bad enough for you to make the decision to change.
It's a weird thing, but true,
that we will often stay in a situation that isn't in our best interests,
just because the process of change is too painful for us to contemplate.

But let me tell you, as someone who as been facing those situations
over and over again,
it is always worth it. Change might not but fun,
but change gives us the opportunity to grow.

And who wouldn't want to miss out on growing as a person?
Not me, that's for sure.
It's not that the things we go through are bad or wasted,
they are just steps on the way to something better.

I know for a fact, I'm going to keep on coming against things
that I need to change,
but hopefully every time I do it, I will get braver
and fight against the process a little bit less!

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Wahoo! making changes....

One of the things I have tried to teach my kids is that when you get to the point
where you hate your life, 
you have to change something.
But sometimes the pain has to get bad enough
to make you actually change it.

Recently I had got a bit bogged down with my work,
with three part time jobs, I felt like I was constantly running
and never getting anywhere.

I was talking to my friend Jan and he challenged me to think
about what I actually wanted. 
It was just the kick up the a** that I needed.

I went away and asked for the hours that I needed 
at a rate that would make a difference to me.
He said yes.
So I was able to hand in my notice to my other job
and gradually I'm getting rid of my third job.

It feels so good. I have some space in my head.
And I'm going to put it to good use.
I want to make 12 quilts this year and exhibit them at the end of the year.
I'm really excited about this.
Funny how the pain had to get bad enough for me to change,
but now that the change is almost here,
it feels so good!

Saturday, July 30, 2016

sometimes you let things go and other times you keep right on working on them

I found this unfinished quilt at the opshop recently
it's beautiful and retro and kinda an odd shape. I fully intended to
take the papers out, sew it to a big piece of fabric and call it done.

Let's face it, I've become kind of a pro and finishing things off.

But then I looked in the bag and realised there is actually enough pieces to finish it.
I would just need to add a bit of colour,
and there's no rush, I could quietly work away at it
and slowly finish it off.

So I folded it back up, put all the little papers in a container
and put it in the corner of the living room.
I'll keep my eyes open for some fabrics and finish it off.

You don't have to finish everything off right away,
some things take a lot longer and are sweeter for the time it takes.

Fast projects are awesome, but slow projects are good too.
You know things that you pull out and work on every now and again.
No deadline, just a something growing over time.

You go through stages where you want to give up,
where it all seems to be taking too long with too little results,
but if you hang in there, success of often just around the corner.

Exactly like my life right now.
A work in progress.
As I make peace with being who I am
and what I want from it.

 I'm not aiming for perfection,
I'm aiming to be a continual work in progress
until the day I die.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

If Cabin pressure is lost, put your own oxygen mask on first....

The Exchange

A couple of weeks ago I pulled all the muscles in my right shoulder
and I've been walking about like the hunchback of notre dame for days now.
I'm good once the panadol, codene and ibuprofen kicks in but that takes a while.

It's made me realise that I have a lot of responsibilities
and I really have to look after me first (duh).

Half finished quilt I'm working on

You know that thing on the airplane where they tell you to put the mask
on yourself first? Yeah that.
Because I am responsible for my kids and to pay all the bills
and to my employers. 

And if I'm functioning below par, then this is not a good thing,
there is no one that can step in and take my place.

Fancy water bottle $6 from Kmart

I know that I've probably talked about this before, 
but it's one of those things you have to keep reminding each other about.

And there's nothing like some chronic pain to remind you
that it's time to make some changes.
Here's some things I have been doing,
maybe you need to do them too?

Give me all the drugs

1. Drink more water. (I got a nice water bottle from Kmart)
2. Make sure there is some fun stuff in my life.
3. Finish off some projects that I wanted to have done.
4. Take my painkillers regularly. (I forgot yesterday and I'm dying today)

Two minute noodles are still food, ok.

5. Eat healthy food regularly.
6. Get more sleep.
7. Reassess the way I'm earning a living 
8. Get some exercise every day.
9. If something is broken, don't ignore it, fix it.
10. Ask for help.

I guarantee I'll have this conversation with myself again
sometime in the future,
but in the meantime, I've got my oxygen mask on!

Thursday, July 21, 2016

in which I have a tiny, little pity party

Last Friday while I was driving to Invercargill with the kiddies,
the children's dad was asking his girlfriend to marry him
on the side of a beautiful mountain after a helicopter ride.

I'm genuinely happy for them both,
and I wish them all the very best for their future together.
The younger children have a lovely relationship with his fiancĂ©e,
and I love hearing what they have been doing together.

I won't lie though, this morning when I woke up
my heart is hurting. It is not about them at all.
It's just so hard to be the one left behind,
even though I'm glad for them (and I don't want to be married to him anymore)
it just kind of reinforces to me how alone I am.

However, don't worry.
I'm only allowing myself a tiny little pity party.
I came into work and told my friend Kerrie, 
because I knew she would give me the slap around that I needed.
She reminded me that I'm ok and gave me a warm hug.

I am smart, I am brave.
I have a home, I have kids that love me,
I have some truly awesome friends
and I have three cats to keep me warm on cold nights.

I'm going to be fine.
And best of all, the kids have another person in their life
who will love them, be there for them when I can't be
and will love their dad in a way that I failed at.

I'm going to be ok.