Thursday, July 2, 2015

#thelaststraw #icandohardthings #thistoowillpass

Honestly some weeks are just so downright shitty
that you have to wonder if you have f***ed off the universe somehow.
Too many things to deal with on too many days.

On reflection, it is probably not just the fact that bad things happen,
because bad things happen to everyone.

Maybe it is just the timing.
When we are tired, or sick or worn down by life in some way.
Then it is that ONE EXTRA THING
which suddenly finds you at the very end of your rope.

This week has been one of those. There were several of those
I'm not a person who cries usually, maybe twice a year.
I've cried 15 years worth of tears this week. I'm over it.
My tear ducts are shiny clean.

Things that might not normally bother me
have broken me. It has been that kind of week.
But one thing about growing older is that I know that
#icandohardthings and #thistoowillpass

I know I'm not the only one who finds life hard sometimes,
so if this is you too, take a moment, 
breathe deep, roll those shoulders, plan something fun for the weekend.
Believe that we can do this. For real.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Picking up the pieces....

So I've spent the last week sewing scraps of fabric together. 
I completely emptied the scrap bin,
which is amazing and very satisfying indeed.

Of course as I sew, I've been thinking.
I think about how I succeeded in the first six months on my own
 and that feels like a good achievement.
I think about whether there will be a second chance for me.
Whether I will ever find someone
 who loves me just for being me,
or if I'm too old, too unattractive and too fat for
anyone to take the risk to love me.

I don't feel like a failure, but I'm a bit worn out
and a bit used up; and I'm busy trying to figure out what the rest of my life
is going to look like. 

But as I sewed my scraps this week, 
I wasn't sure how they would look, all sewn together,
Just like my life, I wondered if when I finished putting it together,
whether the colours would be muddy and the result ugly.

But when I finished sewing the first top
it looked bright and cheerful, if a little chaotic.

Do you know, I've decided it's not a bad thing.
I think my life is going to look a bit like this.
A whole lot of things all patched together,
but hopefully cheerful and maybe a bit chaotic.

I'm stitching my life back together.
I don't know how it is going to look in the end.
I have hope that I will love myself
and maybe, eventually... find someone else to love me too.

Friday, June 19, 2015

What does success look like anyhow?

The semester is over at last. 
A semester which began with the end of my marriage,
carried on through the sorting, the shifting out,
and the settling in. It ended with some new challenges.

Little Annie had four seizures this semester 
and was finally diagnosed with epilepsy.
She began medication a few weeks ago.

Reuben waged war with his regular foes,
but they got the better of him
and we are working with his Psychiatrist to make changes for him
(he agreed I could write about this).

All in all, it feels like too many things to deal with
over too short a time.

Amazingly we have got through all of this pretty intact.
The house is tidy, the meals are all home made
and the laundry is up to date.

There have been lots of early nights in this house.
lots of cups of tea and stories read.
Lots of homemade puddings to cheer us all up. 

The things that really matter,
like eating dinner together and listening to each other
these things have happened.

This is what success looks like in our home,
and I'm pretty sure I've passed all my papers too.

Here's to next semester and everything getting a little bit easier.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

10 Years

This month marks the 10th year that I have been blogging.
I started way back in 2005 because I wanted to know if I could still think.
I wrote for about two years before someone
who wasn't a family member commented on it.

When I first started, my writing was terrible
and the photos once I worked out how to put them in
were also terrible. Terrible, terrible.

It was erratic and it was frankly, boring to read.
But after a while, it became a habit and then it became necessary.

After a while the whole crafty blog explosion happened,
and I wrote about the things I made for a long time 
(and took terrible photos)
but my every day life is kind of filled with drama
and after a while more and more of that seeped into my writing.

I've written about the pain of parenting a child who struggles with mental health,
I've written about parenting teenagers (and loving them even though
they were busy breaking my heart)

I've written lots and lots about living through the thousands of earthquakes 
that Christchurch has had in the last almost five years.

And as I have written, I've gotten a lot better at writing.
I have (thankfully) got a lot better at taking photos.

And I've got a lot better at reflecting and writing honestly about my life.
I try really hard to write transparently here,
so that if you meet me, you'll find I'm the same as my writing.

I like that I put into words how I feel
and thereby give words to others experiencing the same thing.

Thank you all of you who have commented,
encouraged and become my friends over the years.
It's been great. Let's keep doing it!

PS, I'm turning the comments back on today
Thank you for allowing me space on here for a bit
but I'm looking forward to hearing from you all again.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Dear Travis

I read the story you posted on Facebook yesterday and I felt sick to my stomach to read again of people who use their beliefs to subject others to humiliation and pain.

I once belonged to the church. I grew up believing that women were inferior, my intelligence was questionable, my personality was flawed that that I had to accept any kind of abuse because the church said so. I was told it was the church's job to break me and they did.

It is probably because of my experiences in the church, that I am filled with rage at the injustice being met out to people because of their sexual orientation. I suppose in some small way I understand what it is to feel the wrath of the church. I can empathize.

I wish with all of my heart that I could fix this problem, but it is too enormous. However I refuse to do nothing. Did you know that the Nazis were in power from 1933, 7 years before WWII, and yet nobody stopped what was going on to the Jews, the disabled and others.

I for one will stand up. I'm teaching my children that love is love. We discussed at the dinner table, the courage of Caitlyn. Travis, I am a nobody, but I promise you that I will always speak up to defend your right to equality and acceptance. I will always speak out even if it costs my friends, I will write, I will talk, I will encourage and yes, I will pray.

I believe if all of us nobodies speak out, we can make a difference, we can create a space for acceptance and we can slowly effect change in those around us.

Travis, you are a brave, smart amazing man. I'm so proud to call you my friend. I can't solve this problem, but I can tell you that I am beyond sorry for all the injustice and hurt. Please accept that just because I believe in God, that those who would do you harm, do not in any way represent me.

Be who you are Travis, you are achieving greatness.

Much love
deb xox

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

You'll turn out fine... but you gotta keep your head up....

Today I sat an exam. Then I went and sat in my car and cried.
And I came home and put on my pjs and hoped into bed.
I'm not going to fail the exam,
but only because I applied for Aegrotat.

Sometimes it seems like the universe is mocking you.
Sometimes you wonder how much shit you have to wade through
before it will all be over.

Sometimes life is just that hard.
I'm just going to sit here in my bed and watch a movie or two
and drink some hot tea. And maybe cry a bit more.

Tomorrow is another day.
I'll keep my head up, I will, 
but maybe not today, ok?

Saturday, May 23, 2015

The first to help you up are the ones who know how it feels to fall down.

Bit by bit I've been giving away the 16 quilts that I made 
when I made all the quilts in John's book, 
while I was distracting myself from how downright shit my life was right then.

I love giving things away, 
I love that I can show someone that I care by giving them something I made.
I'm not so great at the talking thing,
but I'm perfectly fine at the making you a quilty hug thing.

I love this quilt. I love the colours, I love the quirky fabrics.
I love the pattern. It's a great quilt where everything came together 
just the way I like it. I thought I would keep it forever
 but actually I've decided someone else needs it more!

The thing about social media is that you get glimpses into someone else's life.
You don't always get the whole picture,
but you feel like you get to know the type of person
whose little Instagram pictures you like
or tweets you read.

Sometimes you can tell when things aren't going so well.
You can tell when someone is sad,
or sick or anxious.

Lots of times you can't do anything about it,
after all the world is a big place and you can't solve everyone's problems.

But occasionally you can.
And so this week I'm posting this quilt to a random stranger
who is struggling with anxiety.

I'm going to post this quilt to New York 
to someone who doesn't know me
but who needs a quilty hug.

Because actually a hug is the best thing I've discovered
for when life is tinged with blue.
And a random act of kindness won't change the world
but I know it won't be wasted.

I'm hoping that as they wrap their self in it,
that they realise that they can do hard things
and life won't seem so blue after all.