Sunday, August 2, 2015

On friendship....

Recently I went to Auckland to stay with Cat.
Over the last five years, Cat has been teaching me
through her example,
what it means to be a good friend.

I'm actually socially quite reserved until I get to know you,
and Cat told me recently that the first time we met,
she thought I didn't like her.

Makes me wonder how many other people think this about me.
When the answer is that I don't like myself much
and struggle to see why someone would want to be my friend.

But Cat really does know how to be a good friend.
She messages you when she knows that your life is shit,
and when it's going well.

She knows how to laugh with you and cry with you.
She also can tell you when you are just being pathetic.

Being friends with Cat has made me a whole lot better
about texting people when I'm thinking of them
because I know how good it feels.

Being friends with Cat gives me confidence to tell her my secrets
because she shares her too.

My best friend Shenleigh up and left me a few weeks ago to go to live in Invercargill.
And now I'm having to actually be social with people
which turns out to be a good thing for me!

One of these days, I'm going to be one of those people
who effortlessly rings people up and goes to visit
rather than hides under the quilts and watches Netflix.

I'm pretty sure that until then Cat will keep on 
jollying me along from afar.

Thanks Cat! I love you xoxox

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Sometimes it ends up different but it is better that way....

Sometimes we make plans and start along a path,
but as we go things change and we need to change the plan.
I find it really easy to feel like a failure at this point,
and often I keep doing things just because
I don't want to feel like I've failed.

Like this quilt for example.
I started it last year and had great plans for it.
But it was about the time when my hip completely gave up
and I couldn't stand on two legs anymore.

Turns out that paper piecing is easier to do if you can jump up and
use the cutting mat and press things,
so I laid the project aside and got stuck into making all the quilts.

Every now and again I'd pull the project out,
but somehow in the intervening time,
I'd lost the joy of the thing and just couldn't get enthusiastic about it.

So yesterday I unpicked the segments that I had completed
and made a cushion. Then I returned all the fabric to my stash
and cut up the scraps into 2 1/2" squares. 

It felt so good to have a resolution to the project.
Also we have a pretty stylish cushion for our old chair.

And although part of me feels like I failed,
I know that sometimes things don't work out;
actually finishing something useful
is more important than a guilt-inducing unfinished project
hiding in the cupboard.

Guilt is such an unproductive and unmotivating emotion,
I'm working on recognising it more often
and not letting my life decisions be driven by it.

Here's to changing plans
and here's to achievements
instead of wishful thinking.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

"It's not all sunshine and roses, but a good amount of it actually is"

The really good thing about hitting absolute rock bottom,
is that things can only get better. 

As a smart man called Adam says, it's all going to be ok.

Every day is a new day to keep right on trying,
and that's the whole point.

I'm kinda glad it's winter,
and we can hide huddle under quilts
and legitimately hibernate. 

We can eat hot soup for dinner
and only have one pot to clean at the end.

We can meet a friend for coffee in a cafe
and warm up by a heater that someone else is paying for.

We can make plans for the spring,
and watch as the evenings get slowly stay lighter for longer.

The thing about rock bottom is that while you are there,
you find out that its ok to just be in that space for a while,
you don't have to fight it,
as Pooh Bear said once....

sometimes I sits and thinks
and sometimes I just sits. 

It's all going to be all right in the end.
Spring will come. Times will change. It's going to be ok.

Adam sent me the cute
things from his shop.
You should visit it.

Friday, July 10, 2015

{Excuse me while I pat myself on the back}

Three years ago when my sister suggested to me that I go to university,
I thought that...
a) I wasn't smart enough and 
b)I didn't have time.

I was working two jobs, full time parenting
and doing some coursework through Playcentre.

It really hadn't been my dream to go to university,
I never considered it (see point a)
but I really wanted to learn and I wanted to know if I could.

I looked at my busy life and pondered what I could give up.

I decided to give up sleep and I applied for one paper through Massey University.
I got up at 5am and studied till 7am for a whole semester,
and I passed. It was amazing, but it wasn't sustainable.

And that is how I ended up rearranging my whole life
and going to Canterbury.

Last night we all got the results of this semester's papers.
The semester when all the wheels in my life fell off
and I had to work hard to put it all back together.

The semester when I found out who my real friends were
and learned to lean on them in the hard times.

I passed everything and I'm stoked with my results.
I now have two papers to go and I can graduate.

I think I am actually going to make it.

Isn't it amazing, it turns out you can follow your dreams
and if you work hard, you can make them come true.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

This week...


This week I found a beautiful handmade rabbit
at the opshop. It was made in England and somehow made its way out here.
It felt like a gift from the universe especially for me.

This week Annie has been sick with a nasty cold
so there has been plenty of sewing time.
It's so nice to get a few projects done.

This week we have done some fun things
as a family and enjoyed each others company.

This week I went to the doctor
and was treated with kindness and compassion,
given a lecture,  some happy pills and another appointment. 

This week feels like a step forward.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

#thelaststraw #icandohardthings #thistoowillpass

Honestly some weeks are just so downright shitty
that you have to wonder if you have f***ed off the universe somehow.
Too many things to deal with on too many days.

On reflection, it is probably not just the fact that bad things happen,
because bad things happen to everyone.

Maybe it is just the timing.
When we are tired, or sick or worn down by life in some way.
Then it is that ONE EXTRA THING
which suddenly finds you at the very end of your rope.

This week has been one of those. There were several of those
I'm not a person who cries usually, maybe twice a year.
I've cried 15 years worth of tears this week. I'm over it.
My tear ducts are shiny clean.

Things that might not normally bother me
have broken me. It has been that kind of week.
But one thing about growing older is that I know that
#icandohardthings and #thistoowillpass

I know I'm not the only one who finds life hard sometimes,
so if this is you too, take a moment, 
breathe deep, roll those shoulders, plan something fun for the weekend.
Believe that we can do this. For real.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Picking up the pieces....

So I've spent the last week sewing scraps of fabric together. 
I completely emptied the scrap bin,
which is amazing and very satisfying indeed.

Of course as I sew, I've been thinking.
I think about how I succeeded in the first six months on my own
 and that feels like a good achievement.
I think about whether there will be a second chance for me.
Whether I will ever find someone
 who loves me just for being me,
or if I'm too old, too unattractive and too fat for
anyone to take the risk to love me.

I don't feel like a failure, but I'm a bit worn out
and a bit used up; and I'm busy trying to figure out what the rest of my life
is going to look like. 

But as I sewed my scraps this week, 
I wasn't sure how they would look, all sewn together,
Just like my life, I wondered if when I finished putting it together,
whether the colours would be muddy and the result ugly.

But when I finished sewing the first top
it looked bright and cheerful, if a little chaotic.

Do you know, I've decided it's not a bad thing.
I think my life is going to look a bit like this.
A whole lot of things all patched together,
but hopefully cheerful and maybe a bit chaotic.

I'm stitching my life back together.
I don't know how it is going to look in the end.
I have hope that I will love myself
and maybe, eventually... find someone else to love me too.