Years ago I worked for a man who was cruel and harsh.
I was young and at his mercy and he told me it was his job to break me.
He succeeded, and then after that I spent a long time
working to become a whole person again.
This summer as part of my Uni studies,
I found myself in a situation where someone did not value what I was doing
and as well as being rude, just walked rough shod over my work.
I kinda laughed it off at the time but as the weeks have gone by
and I have to prepare to face that person again,
I found that I began to feel more and more overwhelmed by my tasks.
On the face of it, everything seemed fine, but I felt disconnected from what I usually love,
I didn't take lots of photos each day and I stopped sewing in every spare minute.
I hid myself in my work and in my spare moments, in reading.
I tried to get motivated but I just couldn't get a grip on it
and I didn't know why.
But then I remembered the harsh man in my past,
and the awkward situation I have to deal with and I realised there was a connection.
I realised that even though I have deal with what happened in the distant past
and rationalised what happened in the immediate past,
because of the scars of the past pain,
I am vulnerable to people who knock me down.
I don't cope well with that situation.
I easily let them walk over me.
I emailed my tutor and asked for advice (without telling him the history)
and he gave me good advice. I don't have to face the person again
thanks to the powers of the internet and email!
This morning I got up and sewed for half an hour,
took some photos and wrote this post.
I'm fine, and I feel so relieved
but I am surprised that the old scars are still there,
reminding me of how far I have come.