Saturday, April 15, 2017

a post about my damaged faith this Easter, try not to judge me.


So it's Easter this weekend obviously, arguably the most important date in the Christian calendar. Celebrated with spicy fruit buns, chocolate and a weekend off work. I've been thinking about what it actually means to me. I believe in God. I believe that Easter is about new beginnings and second chances. It's about having a future and a hope. But I won't lie, I'm struggling with how what I believe correlates with what happens in a church setting. So much of the rhetoric and harsh words that you hear on a daily basis, particularly from so called christian people talking in the media, are just incompatible with the unconditional love that you read about in the bible.


For lots of reasons, I don't have a place in a church that feels like home right now. In fact I can probably say that I feel isolated by church and disillusioned with it as an institution. If I could find a church where going along wasn't a performance, where everyone was welcome and judgments were not dished out with the church notice, if I could find a place where I wasn't judged for leaving a relationship that wasn't working, for getting an education and for making decisions for myself. If I could find that place and we found people with common ground there, well maybe we would try again.


My faith is not dead. Not at all. It is pretty pared back now though. I believe in two things:
  1. I believe in God, his son Jesus and in the Holy Spirit.
  2. I believe that if we can't love someone unconditionally, then our faith is wrong.

That's all I have right now. I'm holding tight to that.


I hope that by this time next year I've found a place where I can get my heart stitched up again, where I can learn to trust and feel safe. I want a place where I can have good conversations with people, to wrestle with the issues we all confront in a way that doesn't cast judgment. After all we are all flawed human beings, we need to give each other grace for this. I absolutely don't have all the answers, actually apart from those two things I know, I don't have any answers.

I'm kinda hoping that this Easter is as far away from God as I get. I'd like to think that by next Easter I will have found my way back to some kind of Church setting, a place of accountability and trust. 

So this Easter, maybe it's my new beginning, my second chance. We'll see. 

9 comments:

  1. Love you Deb. We all need a place to wrestle, to be safe and to be loved without conditions. I hear what you're saying. I hope that there's some of us representing those safe places xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just recognize myself,, some time ago, in your inspiring post,Deb... I've always been a christian, raised as a catholic, and gradually went aside from the catholic Church, and all those dogmatisms, promises of "punishments", inducing guilt, etc... and actually far from giving example (you just have to read all those child abuses by catholic priests, carefully "hidden" and brought to silence by the Vatican. To me, the Catholic Church has become a BIG enterprise, raising money by all means (like those Merchants of The Temple, that Jesus hated)... So I stayed in my little corner, with my Bible and Jesus teachings, until I discovered the Orthodox Way, and its back to roots philosophy. I gradually started to read and study the Bible, with a new and simpler look, and I'm so happy I did. There is no Orthodox Church near my home, so I keep praying alone, but I'm feeling blessed and grateful.
    I'm a Christian, I believe in God and in unconditional love, which to me is the main thing. God knows and He shows me the way.

    HAPPY EASTER, dear Deb ! HAPPY NEW BEGINNINGS ! You're not alone :D

    XOXOXO
    Nadine (Belgium)

    ReplyDelete
  3. It seems to this heathen that you are a better Christian and closer to your God than you think you are. http://biblehub.com/matthew/6-6.htm But you seek fellowship with people of like minds. None of the Uniting/Methos/Pres churches are any good? Unitarian church (non-denominational)? I wish you comfort in your faith and continued good works. And Happy Easter.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Deb, I have followed your story for a long time and you have often been in my prayers knowing that life, in the best of circumstances is tough. For a new single mum going it alone I can't imagine the challenges. I am a Christian woman living in San Diego, California - very far away and attend a church that many, many people follow on-line because they feel they can relate to the message of faith, love, grace and forgiveness. I'd encourage you to check it out. Wherever you find at peace in a church just stay true to your faith in Jesus and in accepting His love and forgiveness for you. Sunday is coming!! He is alive, amen. Laurie
    Here is the link for The Rock Church, enjoy http://www.sdrock.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sounds like the 'things' you are seeking are in yourself.......not a place or a gathering of people..............just saying...........I heard someone say once that just because you are standing in a garage doesn't make you are car.........

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm with you. I'm at a state educational institute and there is more God there than anything else. I've got to the point that my husband wrote something on-line so I could stop getting all e-mails with the word God in them. I do believe, but also believe in the right for all of us to do it our own way without having pressure put on us - ie whole school prayer meetings - I'm out. I can pray by myself and actually wish people would stop praying for me and judging me when I don't turn up... we all do things in our own way!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Tie a knot and hang on tight, Deb! I have faith that things will improve! ❤

    Jamie Brown-Nugent

    ReplyDelete
  8. Somehow this appeared on my Facebook Deb. I read it and so hear you. For me I have had to learn this saying "its okay to be not okay" for me its okay to sit and wait, watch and wonder . God for me is in the still small things. Daily little things appear to remind me that God is there. Hes all around us. God loves us and He knows my heart, your heart and God does not judge. Know that you are a worthwhile woman and God has not ever left you. You love God and He loves you. I have had to find out what that means for me, my journey and so far its not a church. Yet I have found God in my heart and around me. "You are awesome".

    ReplyDelete
  9. When I was serving in a church in Dunedin, the minister there was fantastic. We had great discussions about the church vs religion vs belief vs faith. He firmly believed that your faith is between you and God. Religion doesn't make it, Church doesn't make it. Your church is supposed to be a community of support within the same set of beliefs, but it isn't necessary. As long as you are happy in your faith, you live God and commune with him in your everyday life, and are content in his love for you: then you have outgrown the muddy politics of man within the church system.

    He believed that some people need the church community to feel validated, and others are strong enough in their faith to see Good in everything and not need the security of the fold.

    I was studying theology then, and this discussion and his reflection on how religion has been twisted to suit man's desires has stuck with me for years now.

    You're on a right path. Being self-aware and reflecting is a healthy thing to do, and timely.

    Just remember, your relationship with God is between you and Him. There is no wrong way there. ��

    ReplyDelete

Thanks so much for dropping by. I love to hear from you and I want you to know that I really appreciate each comment!!