Thursday, April 13, 2017

Current status: hanging in there.


It's a long weekend. This afternoon I dropped the teen off to the bus to go to Easter Camp. I told him it's a right of passage and all the kids go. It's true. I believe that, but I also really just wanted him to have some fun that I don't have to dredge up myself. The term has been long and frankly we all need a break from each other.  I'm really really hoping that he has a lot of fun, lots of laughs and makes new friends.

I feel bad sending him because it's pouring with rain, like pouring pouring. I made him pack all his stuff in a plastic rubbish bag inside his suitcase. He has a waterproof jacket that he magicked up from somewhere, a pair of gumboots we borrowed from his dad. The budget isn't balancing this week anyhow so I went and brought him a new polar fleece blanket to drag around the place and hopefully he will be warm. Quilts are not cool to take to camp when you are fifteen.

I had high hopes for the weekend, but I don't think they are going to work out. So my current plans are to sleep in every day and wear pyjamas a lot.  I need clean the house, do some laundry, to bake a cake with the dying bananas and to make some soup with the last of the soup mix. I hope to knit a bit more on the Sunshine Shawl for Sad People. That is actually it's name. How appropriate. I hope to help Annie have some fun on the (second hand) sewing machine I gave her for her birthday. We hope to make a dress. I need to bind a baby quilt and finish one for another baby.

Our original plans involved hanging out with my friend Mr W, but he is having a hard time on lots of fronts. Hopefully we can hang out but we will see. There is nothing that I find harder than giving someone space. I automatically think they are rejecting me. This is hard for both of us. I'm trying not to be all needy but it's hard. I don't know how a week which started out so good, ended up so shit. I'm kinda drowning in an emotional stew.

I think I'm becoming an ostrich because I can't bear the alternative. I'm holding on, taking one day at a time. Because what else can I do??

3 comments:

  1. I hope I am not coming across as giving advice. I just have been the in a similar place and know how upended I felt after I divorced my husband. It was my decision to leave but I cried every night for the first year. We had been together since I was 16. I only knew life with him. The second year I stopped crying but just sort of sat there wondering who I was. Into the third year I actually started enjoying being alone. He remarried. I dated. I got clingy. I cried if the person I was dating didn't spend all his time with me. I decided to not date for a while because I saw that dating was not healthy for me at that particular time. Spent more time alone. Finally de the date again. Met. Mr. Birdie. Got married. Things go mostly good.
    Give yourself time. Practice self-compassion. When you wake up sad or crying tell yourself that it's okay to be sad. And you are learning and getting better every single day.
    Your boy is going to have a blast.

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  2. Be kind to yourself. Maybe find a hand sewing project to work on today and binge on some cr@ppy tv. I'm enjoying ncis today. Kinda brain dead tv watching.

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  3. Just have a slow weekend, spoil yourself. My tip is to skin the bananas and then freeze them till you feel like baking - I do it all the time.

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