Tuesday, October 31, 2017

New Beginnings

This week I cut the hours in half that I work at Big Boy Websites,
Big Boy Websites moved offices;
and I started a new job as a Business Development Manager
with Catalyst Creative NZ.

To celebrate all of this change I got a streaming cold.
Fun times.

I'm really excited about this new opportunity.
I hesitate to call it a career because I feel too old and unskilled
but it turns out that maybe I am developing a career as a communicator.

Anyway I get to talk to anyone who will listen about Tv adverts,
video content and 3D Visualisation.
And the rest of the time I get to write scripts 
which mainly consists of me muttering to myself
while my phone times me.

I do feel a bit overwhelmed with all of these changes in one week,
which is probably why I got sick.
So I'm doing a bit of self care. Eating as many veges as I can
drinking lots of water and trying to get enough sleep.

Yesterday I came home and my brain was FRIED,
so I made this cushion last night which I've been wanting to do for ages.
I just need something I could sit down and start and finish
all in one go. Kind of some mindless work but a bit creative as well.

I think we expect changes to be all good,
but even if they are, we still need to adjust.

Once I get this first week under my belt, I'll kind of know what I'm doing.

In the meantime, talk to me if you or someone you know 
needs a video for something.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Feeling unloveable

I wrote a few weeks ago about how Mr W and I parted ways a few months ago.
Since I left David I've met a few guys (mostly on that infamous dating app)
but obviously it hasn't turned out that well.
This is not news to anyone, but dating is super hard.
Super super hard.

The big problem is not all about the guys of course, 
it's me. There is probably not anything wrong with me.

If I'm being honest, it is about how I see myself.
Basically it comes down to the fact that I feel unloveable.

In theory, I know that I'm probably ok as a person.
But deep down inside, I still feel fundamentally unlovely.
I'm pretty sure I'm not alone, lots of us struggle with this.

If I'm being really honest, when I think about myself,
I see someone who is just not good enough,
someone who is inherently unloveable,
not attractive, not funny, not much fun.

Some of this is from those voices in our head,
things people have
[intentionally or unintentionally] said to us or about us.

Some of it is our natural insecurity.
Some of it is how we were brought up.
Part of it is how we see ourselves when we compare ourselves with others.

When I left David, 
somebody said I would never find anybody else to love me. 

I know in my head that isn't true, there has to be at least one person
who will put up with me, just as I am.
There must be someone who thinks I'm attractive (poor man)
someone who wants to spend time with me
and take the risk of sharing their life with me.

But there's still that little voice in my head....

I'm working out how to make it shut up.

Monday, October 16, 2017


If you have been on social media at all, 
you will have seen a lot of women with a status that reads simply....

These statuses and the stories that people are sharing is hurting my heart. I feel like there is not a single woman who has not experienced some kind of sexually harassment or assault.

My story is not about the appliance man who commented on my boobs (although he did)
or the photographer who did the same. My story is not even just about growing up in an environment where women were completely under valued, and were meant to be seen and not heard.
It's not even about having a marriage arranged by a man 
who thought he could make decisions on my behalf.
All of that did happen.
 But I can recognise and deal with those things.

My #metoo story is about being a child. A child going about my day,
and having an adult man decide that I needed to be punished
because I wasn't wearing a petticoat and he could see my legs through my skirt.
I was punished with a leather strap which was an acceptable punishment at the time.

I did learn a lesson that day.
I learned that my body is something to be hidden.
I learned that men are offended by it.
I learned that it was my fault if a man had thoughts about my body.
I was 11.

I know that in the scheme of things, 
my #metoo story is not all that much.
I've read stories the last few days that make my heart bleed.

But it's my story and I'm going to own it and recognise it for what it is.
Not acceptable, no ok and most of all...


Tuesday, October 10, 2017

I thought there was another woman {why I'm single again}

I debated writing this post for a few weeks.
But I think it's important, so I'm going to share it, someone else might relate to it.

For the last few months of the time that I was dating Mr W,
I started to think that he was seeing someone else on the side.

There was the usual sort of signs that you read about
(and I've experienced before)
when your person has found someone more interesting,
more exciting and more fun to be around.

There were the excuses, the not turning up when he was supposed to,
the not wanting to spend anytime with us,
the not answering of the phone and just general preoccupation.

I made a lot of excuses for him to be honest
because he really didn't have his shit together;
but he was a nice guy so I thought it was going to be worth it,
that this was all temporary and we would be fine in the end.

But it turned out that it wasn't temporary, that he liked the lousy little life that he had,
and he didn't want to change it.
He would rather spend his time with his first love in the little cabin he called home
than build a relationship with us.

Do you want to know why?

Because he was an alcoholic.
I didn't really realise until the end,
but once I did, all the little things added up.

Crazy aye?
Turns out that his whole life was arranged around when and how much he could drink.
It was all about that. And a relationship messed with his drinking time.
Not that he would ever admit to it.

I'm not opposed to alcohol. 
I drink beer on hot days and wine with friends.
I'm not all militant about whether you should drink or not drink,
it's a personal choice thing.

But I do think if your relationship with alcohol effects your 
relationship with the rest of your life,
that at some point you are going to have to admit you are an alcoholic. 

So that's the story of why I'm single again.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

I sewed my hopes and dreams for this summer into this bright hopeful quilt.

This will be the third summer that I've been single parenting. The first summer went by in a blur. I went to New York which was amazing and somehow got up the courage to sell my house and buy a better one. The second summer also went by in a blur. Although we had two wonderful weeks at the cousin's place at Lake Opua, the rest of it was pretty average.

And now I am planning for the third summer. I've untangled my feelings and realised that my long standing marriage to David finally unravelled over the course of a summer, ending after we came back from our camping holiday. Isn't it weird how things that happened in the past, effect how we feel about the future? actually I suppose not weird, but anyway I'm glad I figured it out before we lost too many more summers.

So now I am reclaiming summer. I'm moving on from all the complicated feelings about the downright awkwardness of that last summer and I have started collecting up camping gear. I have washed all the things I have and worked out what I need. I have booked a site for November to try out the whole process by myself and to see if we can do it. We have down scaled all the things we need to the bare necessities. I think it will work.

I made this bright quilt. I planned it weeks ago in the depths of the winter. I plan to use this quilt every single week this summer. I want us to spread it out on the beach, under trees, on river banks and on sunny decks. I want us to lie on it reading, eat picnics on it and probably (in all honesty) wrap shivering wet children in it to go home after an outing by the water. I want to look back at all the photos of the summer and see glimpses of this quilt. And then whenever I see this quilt in the future I want to remember that I had a magical summer with the kids enjoying each other's company and the outdoors.

There are some pretty substantial flaws in this plan. The first is that our budget is too small to do any extra stuff, but on the upside the things we are thinking about are mostly free. The second is that the Resident Teen is pretty much attached to his bedroom, his PlayStation and all his home comforts and it is going to be Tricky with a capital T to get him out enjoying the outdoors. I'm not sure how to accomplish this, but I AM DETERMINED to have some family time before he flies the nest and doesn't want to spend any time with us at all.

The reality is that I probably won't actually succeed all the time in bringing the Resident Teen to the Great Outdoors to spend quality time in the Fresh Air with his Mother and Little Sister. The reality is that mostly Annie and I will probably drag the quilt across the road to the park to eat our dinner and kick a ball around. But even so, I am hoping and hoping and hoping that I can make a really happy fun summer, especially for Annie with my limited resources and that in spite of everything, the three of us make some good memories to carry us through the next year.