Sunday, July 15, 2018

Tomorrow is the first day of the new semester....


And I'm going to begin my Master's in Social Work. I was going to do one paper, but I can only get a student loan if I do two papers. So two it is.

Somehow being suddenly confronted with doubling the workload has definitely thrown me for a spin. I mean what if I can't even do this??? I have all these thoughts in my head and I'm struggling with them. A huge part of me wonders why I am audacious enough to even think I can do this.

What if my brains have somehow leaked out my ears over the last three years. What if this is as good as it gets and I can't go any further. What if I can't manage to balance my work, my family and my study. Will I even have any friends left at the end of this. What if I can't write essays any more or can't memorise the facts.

Basically, what if I fail?? There, that's the crux of it. What if I fail??

What's the worst that can happen?? I guess I'll be paying my student loan till I die. Which I probably will anyhow.

Failing is such an emotional term. But what would actually happen?? Probably not much to be honest except I wouldn't get to follow my dream. So I guess I have to want to fight for this dream more than I want to fail, if that makes sense. I have to be prepared to go home from work each night, cook tea, listen to violin practice, negotiate with the Resident Teen etc etc and then once that's over, study every single night. In other words I have to be prepared to put in the hard yards and just do this thing.

One foot in front of the other. Honestly, I'm terrified. But I want to be able to work with people in a meaningful way. I want to learn to be present when they are hurting. I want to listen in a way that empowers them. I want to encourage, make plans, offer opportunities. I want my life to be useful. I want to be useful every day when I go to work. I want to make a difference.

I don't know if I can, but I am going to try. Starting tomorrow with the first day of the new semester.




6 comments:

  1. I am quite positive that you will not fail! You have a kind and generous heart so I know you will find meaningful work in this new path! Follow the dream.

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  2. You'll be great. But if you're ever in need of coffee and a sympathetic ear, come up to the Lab.

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  3. Ahh, sweet Deb but what if you can do this! Of course you can. Stop thinking about failing and just put one foot in front of the other, pen to paper and stop every now & then to quilt!!

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  4. Look how much you’ve done and you’re still standing. (Old Elton John song)
    You can do it!! You’re a great role model for your children!
    .....sandy

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  5. Dear Deb
    Honestly, see how it goes, putting lots of pressure on you wont do anything for your self esteem, anyway its not a matter of life and death, give yourself permission to say if its working for you, at this particular point in your life or not.
    Be realistic, I know you can do a lot, but there is always next year and so on .
    More importantly look after you and the kids and the rest will look after itself.

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  6. I'm 45 and in my second semester of my bachelor of education. 45 and all my fellow students are 18. You are an inspiration and I'm not going to fail just like you're not going to fail!

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