Monday, April 1, 2019

Nothing breaks like a heart.


Last week was what I hope will be forever regarded as rock bottom in my life. I really don't know if I could cope with a week worse than that. It was so bad that if I told you, you would think I was making it up. But sadly I didn't make it up, it was all true. I'm not going to go into details here, but let's just say, my heart hurts and it was genuinely difficult to decide to keep on going.

But luckily, at the same time as all the shit was going down, I kept on working on my assignments and readings for uni. One of them was a journal article about storytelling theories in Social Work. Basically, if I read this right, when we use a story telling theory in social work, we tell the story about what happened and then we stand back and look at that story and see if we can reframe it differently to take way the victim aspect and gain some power back. 

This was excellent timing for me. I looked at the story I was telling myself, and I could recognise the good bits of the story, the things I could take away. I could put the bad bits aside as part of the learning experience and I think I can move on. I mean, I won't lie, my heart still hurts, but I'm not a victim. I'm someone who is fighting so hard for her goals and to provide for her family. I'm wanting to be a good mum, to empower my kids to make good decisions. All of us are learning that we need to take responsibility for our own actions, to own our failings and to make the decisions and changes necessary to move forward.

I'm far from perfect, as a friend, as a parent and as a person. But none of us are. We are all flawed human beings working on our stuff aren't we? So here's to moving forward. Here's to picking up the good pieces and leaving the broken ones. Here's to taking a risk to love and learning the lessons from it. 

And for everything else, thank God for chocolate brownie dates with your daughter, and home cooked dinners. Here's to good songs on the radio and rain on the roof when you are tucked up in bed. Here's to enjoying the small things and finding enough joy in those to tackle the big things.


4 comments:

  1. Oh my. Yes. Ive been trying to reframe my life the last month. It’s a bit of a slog through murky bits trying to figure out the good and leave the bad. And sometimes it seems so easy to see the bright sparkly bits and sometimes there’s so much hurt. I’m so thankful for people who have reached out to me with kindness and encouragement. So I say to you, we’ve never met in person but you are a lovely lovely human. I so appreciate how you share your self and struggles and goals and how you have worked so incredibly hard and long to accomplish goals with your life and family and job. You are doing good things, with style and grace. Loves to you!

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  2. Oh Deb. I’m so happy that you are blogging again. I’m sorry you went through a really hard week. I’ve been struggling along for a year now. Ever since Leah was born (not PPD) but just all these thoughts and not much time to process it all. Which is why I’m very sporadic on ig. I just got to the point where I thought who even cares? Who gives a crap what I am sewing or a cute photo of my kid. My heart yearns for extended family to care for me, to love me. I feel so ripped off that as a child I wasn’t loved or cherished and trying to actually learn that God loves me just for me has been a heart stretching and heart rending thing. Please keep writing. I do love it so. Kafo xx

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  3. Thank you for being so emotionally generous. Your stories allow us/ me - the just your run of the mill mum, to know we aren’t alone, that some days we don’t wear our underpants on the outside - hell just finding a clean pair in the laundry basket seems like a task and keeping it real. You are inspirational and interesting - I’ve followed your blogs and IG since I became a mum 9 years ago as there was something in what you wrote/ pictured that made me smile, made me laugh, made me ponder. I only know you thru your online presence as a fellow NZ quilter ( someone actually mistook me for you at a nz quilt symposium when they asked if I was Deb Robertson the blogger) but feel like you are the neighbour I’d grab coffee and chew the fat on life’s ups and downs. Yep there may be shade where we’ve been yesterday but there is sun ...sometimes just means stepping forward or to the side or squinting to see it. Kia kaha

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  4. So sorry it has been such a hard time for you. Whether personal issues, or just a reaction to the sad situation we have dealt with here escalating it all for you - I don't know, but I have seen what appears to be your image appearing regularly in the news from the memorial service in the park and I always smile to see you were there.
    fi

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