Loving Adam {adventures in dating}

Almost two years ago I matched with a guy on a dating app who told me his name was Adam Watson. For 18 months we were seeing each other in a pretty low key way. I was busy and he was busy and we didn't see each other often, but we talked or messaged every day and we didn't see other people.

Adam was everything I thought I wanted in a guy, but he was busy and there was something about him that I knew he was hiding. My guess was that maybe he still lived on the property of his ex wife. Sometimes that happens. I fully believed what he said, because I could often verify it. Anyway I knew he was not being completely honest but I didn't know what about and I didn't pry much because I wasn't ready for a full on relationship anyway. I always knew that he wasn't a forever guy, in that he was never going to change from his workaholic ways, but I loved him and he loved me and I decided to worry about the details later.

But then one day I got a phone call from his wife, the one he told me he was divorced from for four years. Lets just say that didn't go well. I also heard from his son (he was actually nice) who explained that not only was Adam not called Adam, he had a wife and a girl friend and maybe some other women as well on the side. I heard from his daughter, she was not nice, I hung up on her. I don't think I'm the baddie in this story.

I've spoken to his girlfriend (let's call her Sarah) several times and I really like her. She's a lovely person and she sounds just like me. In an other life, we would be friends.

Let's just say that these revelations were an absolute shock to me. It was far beyond the scope of anything I could possibly have imagined. It was devastating. Of course Adam Watson wasn't his real name. Even that was a lie. His lies were so many and so detailed, I don't know how he kept track of them. He's one smart guy, shame he uses it to manipulate vulnerable women.

But Sarah told me that maybe he was there for me for that time and to take the good. And that really resonated with me. Adam was so encouraging to me. His good morning texts made me feel visible to someone in a time when I felt invisible in big part of my life. His faith in me, helped me to make the decision to do my masters. It wasn't all bad. It was lonely and frustrating but his absence made me do all the hard things myself and made me stronger.

After his wife rang (she confronted him too) I never spoke to him again. I prayed that I would never run into him because I could not face it. Until two nights ago when an unknown number texted me and it was him. I could not believe it. He said he was sorry, he always knows the right things to say; it's what he does. I got to say all the things I needed to say. And then say good bye. And then I blocked him. And then I texted Sarah.

I woke up the next morning and felt so much relief. Relief that I didn't get sucked into his lies again (it could have been so easy). Relief that I was able to tell him how much he hurt me. Relief that I've moved on and don't need that anymore.

I'm dating again. I've met the loveliest guy and we have been out for dinner a few times and to the movies. We actually get to do things together. I can ring him and he's not too busy to answer. He's what I didn't know I was looking for. I have hope, I refuse to not have hope. I'm so scared but I'm not going to let Adam win. I'm learning to trust again.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?

New beginnings and a fresh view...

To get to my new job, I take a slightly longer route each morning so I can drive past

the filtration ponds (known locally as the "poo ponds") and see the sun rise.

Then when I turn left I can see the mountains in the distance.

I missed the mountains the most when we left Rolleston a year ago

(how was that only a year ago?)

The strangest thing though, is that you cannot see any of the city.

Just the road I am on and the mountains far away.

It's a refreshing perspective, and a reminder I value as I start every day.

This last month I have been striving to live life like that. 

Keeping my eye on the prize and trying not to focus on all the things in between.

We were mostly successful really. 

We managed to pack up our whole house,

store some of the children's precious things in the attic

and my books in the attic at work.

After all the sorting, we still did end up with a truck load of stuff, 

but we discovered that if you give all your precious possessions a ride in a truck

and pile them outside at the required destination;

that it is far far easier to get rid of them.

To say we decluttered is an understatement.

And now Annie and I have mixed our treasures together,

we have Marie Kondo'd our clothes to the enth degree

and we have played jenga with the possessions we decided to keep.

In the kitchen, Chrissy and I merged our resources together,

keeping the best of both kitchens. Making a space where we can work together

and find everything we want close to hand.

Jacob carried out a mighty mission in the garage.

The camping gear that we absolutely could not part with is now stacked up neatly.

We were not ready to part with all that yet.

We hope to have some more camping adventures in the next few years.

And now here we all are, blending our lives together.

It's so lovely to be able to work together

and the household is running so smoothly so far.

Even all our pets are getting on at this point, long may it continue.

I think as long as we keep our eyes on the big picture

and don't focus on the little things that may annoy us in time,

we will all be able to live happily together until life

moves us on to another stage.

But first, rest and recovery and some catching up of study!

The Encouragement Project

Recently I have been lucky enough to be part of the encouragement project

which is being trialed by my friend Abraham.

Abraham does these photos on Instagram and it always

makes me happy to see them.

(By the way Abraham is married to the fabulous Rhiannon

who makes the dresses I wear. Between them they are

a beautiful pair of amazingly talented creative

humble people.)

Anyway back to the encouragement project.

As part of the project, we had to tell Abraham what our goals

are that we were working towards.

Now I am have a pretty stressful year, as it turns out

and both of the times I have been part of the trial,

have been extra extra stressful for some reason.

I absolutely loved getting the texts from Abraham in the morning,

it make my heart warm to know that someone 

cared enough to send me a text. 

I learned a whole lot about myself through the project.

I learned that I am pretty motivated actually and I already

work consistently at my goals.

But what I really needed was encouragement

to be able to acknowledge to myself that I was doing great.

To keep going and to not be discouraged.

This last time I don't think I meet my goals,

but I did a whole lot of other things that were all vital in moving forward.

The texts from Abraham were a huge encouragement

to keep going, to not give up and, most importantly

to take a moment to acknowledge that actually I'm doing great.

For me the encouragement project is a success.

When Abraham runs the program for real, I will be signing up,

you can't really put a value on having someone

remind you that moving forward is not easy

but absolutely worth it.

Beginning is easy, continuing is hard {Japanese Proverb}

I've been writing this blog for years now. Many years.

It's become a way for me to process all the things in my head

and in someways, a journal of the meanderings of my life.

There's so much going on in my life right now,

that I'm just going to take 10 minutes and capture them.

It would be an understatement to say that I'm going through a period of change.

There's so much change, its ridiculous. Tomorrow I finish my current job

and on Monday I start a new one. 

This job almost broke me to be honest,

(it probably almost broke my boss too actually)

but I learned to make cold calls like a pro

and I've mostly got over the deep sense of failure I developed in the first 12 months.

I learned to have great self talk, and to set mini goals for myself

that made it seem like I was actually making progress.

It's a shame to leave just as I am getting good at it,

but that's how it is I'm afraid.

Anyway on Monday I start a new job that I'm very excited about

in which I truly hope I can make a difference every day

and it's a lot closer to my future social worker heart.

But because of this new job (I'll tell you about it sometime)

I have had to bring forward the changing of my name.

I'm legally changing my name, but I'll keep blogging under Deb

but if you know me in my real life, you will know that I have a new name.

The reason is because I've been writing here for so long,

my Deb Robertson name is very very easy to find

and that's not such a good thing for my future roles.

I plan to keep writing in this space as Deb, I hope you can still find me if you want to!

And then because clearly two life changes are not quite enough,

Annie and I are moving house. 

Once again, this was something we were planning, but not quite right now.

But a few things have come together and so it's happening in two weeks.

This weekend I'm packing the things to go in storage

(all the books and two 60 litre containers of precious things)

and sorting the things that we will take with us.

and the much much larger pile of what we will get rid of.

Our sweet little house is being rented to a young friend of mine

and he's found himself some flatmates.

I hope it all goes well for all of us.

Annie and I are moving in with family for three years

while I finish my studies.

It's going to be really lovely and we are looking forward to it.

But also I won't lie, we are sad to be leaving our house

and we might not come back to live here (but that's another future post).

We have only been here for a year

and we can't quite believe we are moving already.

In the meantime I'm still trying to finish an essay that is almost killing me

and catch up on my studies while working full time.

I'm filled with a whole lot of feelings that I'm having trouble processing.

I don't know really what's going on, but I am holding onto hope that it's all going to be ok.

I've come so far now. I can't give up.

Even though right now, I have moments when really really wish I could.

There's been a few quiet tears in the shower

and lots of encouraging words from friends helping us to get through.

We will get there I think. I'll keep you posted.

Parenting, hard times and still fighting to move forward

I don't know if it is because time has passed and we have settled into our role parenting apart, 

or if it is the season we are in, but I have noticed that it has become easier to have a working relationship wth the children's dad. For a long time, it was hard work to make things work and often harsh words were said that I regretted later.

{We are human after all and there are reasons why we aren't married to each other any more!!}

Currently we are working through probably the toughest patch in our parenting story,

and it is fortunate that this easing of things has coincided with having to work together

to make truly difficult decisions. 

I'm also finding myself increasingly grateful for all the things that Annie's dad and step-mum

do with her. They take her on amazing holidays, they do all sorts of activities

and often show up when I can't.

I don't want to have a pity party, but I'm becoming increasingly aware

that I have given myself an impossible workload.

And so I'm working to make a few really big changes

so that I can get through this patch alive. 

It turns out three years is quite a long time when you under it so to speak,

I know that in a few years I will look back and it will seem but a moment.

So with this in mind, I am planning some practical changes in the next few months.

In the meantime, I'm loving for both the fact that Annie's dad sends me photos of her having a truly

wonderful time when he has her, and also I'm working hard to make thing work out better for us.

A celebration of life for Cam

On Sunday I was incredibly fortunate to be able to fly to Melbourne to go to Camille's (Curlypops) funeral on Monday. It truly was a celebration of her life and although there were lots of tears, there was a lot of laughter too. Cam managed to maximise the influence that her life made and that was evidenced by all the people there.

 For a lot of us, it was the first time we had actually met in real life. There were people there I have known for more than 10 years, who I have watched their children grow up, who I have laughed with and cried with; but who I have never given a hug to. That is because our friendships were begun in the early days of the blogging community. A time when we found our tribe. That's how we all knew Cam, who was our connection to each other.

So although it was sad and we will miss Cam forever, it was amazing to share the experience of grief and shed our tears together, as opposed to in our individual houses like we usually do. To give and receive hugs from people who we knew. We all did know each other. It was amazing.

 We all sat around a table drinking our coffee and talking. And then some of us pulled out our knitting or our stitching and we talked the afternoon away. I feel like this was exactly what Cam would have wanted. Even though it was a sad sad time, being together definitely did help.

 Blogging and our shared passion for making things brought us all together. You don't often get a chance to be part of a big group that all get you, that think about things like you do and that have such a shared history. I really felt like I was with my tribe. It was a very healing experience. I made two new friends too, which was awesome. We made plans to catch up again.

I'm so grateful to Cam for this gift she gave us. We will never forget her and we miss her desperately.

I love you Cam xox

My heart is so sad tonight. One of our dear friends, Cam,  (Curlypops) is dying in Melbourne. Cam has been so full of colour and light that it hurts so much to see that light being extinguished.

In the early days of the Internet when it was all fresh and new and exciting, a lot of us started blogs.
There was a whole world out there and we could connect with it. I was living an extremely difficult life and blogging was like a light in the darkness. Finally I could find people like me. It literally changed my life.

One of the people I met was Cam. Cam was sewing the brightest of bright fabrics while waiting for a lung transplant. In 2012 I met Cam when I went to Melbourne for my brother’s wedding and I posted a photo on Instagram and she said, you are in my neighbourhood! I visited her again after her transplant bringing a quilt I made with a lot of help from Cam’s friends. (The photo with this post is of a hottie cover I made for a fundraiser that Cam organised)

I count Cam as a dear friend. Whenever we are in the same city we visit. But we keep in touch through the happenings on Instagram.

And now she is leaving us. She leaves the biggest biggest hole in our community. She is an example to us to embrace life with everything that we have. I cannot even imagine not seeing her around in our online spaces.

This afternoon I sewed a rainbow quilt, because rainbows are what I think of when I think of Cam.


Love you Cam, you will live forever in our hearts. Fly free sweet sweet friend.

Nothing breaks like a heart.

Last week was what I hope will be forever regarded as rock bottom in my life. I really don't know if I could cope with a week worse than that. It was so bad that if I told you, you would think I was making it up. But sadly I didn't make it up, it was all true. I'm not going to go into details here, but let's just say, my heart hurts and it was genuinely difficult to decide to keep on going.

But luckily, at the same time as all the shit was going down, I kept on working on my assignments and readings for uni. One of them was a journal article about storytelling theories in Social Work. Basically, if I read this right, when we use a story telling theory in social work, we tell the story about what happened and then we stand back and look at that story and see if we can reframe it differently to take way the victim aspect and gain some power back. 

This was excellent timing for me. I looked at the story I was telling myself, and I could recognise the good bits of the story, the things I could take away. I could put the bad bits aside as part of the learning experience and I think I can move on. I mean, I won't lie, my heart still hurts, but I'm not a victim. I'm someone who is fighting so hard for her goals and to provide for her family. I'm wanting to be a good mum, to empower my kids to make good decisions. All of us are learning that we need to take responsibility for our own actions, to own our failings and to make the decisions and changes necessary to move forward.

I'm far from perfect, as a friend, as a parent and as a person. But none of us are. We are all flawed human beings working on our stuff aren't we? So here's to moving forward. Here's to picking up the good pieces and leaving the broken ones. Here's to taking a risk to love and learning the lessons from it. 

And for everything else, thank God for chocolate brownie dates with your daughter, and home cooked dinners. Here's to good songs on the radio and rain on the roof when you are tucked up in bed. Here's to enjoying the small things and finding enough joy in those to tackle the big things.

One foot in front of the other

There's a popular song at the moment, with the refrain "nothing breaks like a heart". With so many heavy things going on, it's hard to keep your head above it all. There's definitely a lot of hurting hearts. The events of the last two weeks have shaken us all. There's a raised level of consciousness, even with things that should be little like the constant helicopter presence.

 It definitely takes me back to post earthquake times. Even though I know it's not the same, theres a similar feeling which just ramps up your level of anxiety. I notice that everyone is that bit closer to losing the plot than they normally would (including myself), it doesn't take much to push you over the edge.

Definitely a time for good self care. Some extra rest, some good food, being with people you love, maybe even a few treats if your budget can handle it. And a time to focus on the good things. Yes there is darkness and deep deep grief, I'm not minimising this; but we have to keep moving in our daily lives. We can notice a beautiful sunrise without it taking away from how we honour those who are grieving. We can hug our families and our friends. In fact, it could be said, that if there was any lesson to be learned, it is to hold those you love closely.

It's ok to be sad. It's ok to cry. It's ok to be hurting. Grief is a process. You never stop missing those that you have lost, but they become part of who you are, part of your story. It takes time for that to happen. Let's all be patient with each other. It's a hard hard time. But we will get through this.

#headscarfforharmony

As you will all know, it's a week ago today, that a terrorist went into two mosques here in Christchurch and shot people who were peacefully saying their prayers. A horrifying thing, that has touched everyone here and across our nation. It's so hard to write about this, because firstly it's so painful and raw and so many people that we love are hurting, and secondly the seeds of intolerance were sown so long ago, that it's impossible to know how to even begin to change things.

I've seen a lot of things written this week until I had to stop reading. People are hurting and angry and they want change. But change won't just happen by telling people to change. I've seen a lot of love and acknowledgement too. We are all flawed human beings, but it's heart warming to see so many people recognising their privilege and committing to change going forward.

Today Annie and I wore headscarves to work and school. It felt like a real honour to be able to do that. It was also very very confronting. It gave me (I think Annie was oblivious) a small taste of what it must be like on a daily basis to go out in public wearing a scarf. And yet in some ways I loved it. I liked being able to wear it and not have to look anyone in the eye, I felt protected under its cover. I could just put my head down and do my business and be invisible.

I saw a bunch of people online, saying it was tokenism and pointless but unless you have put on a headscarf and hopped on a bus and walked down the street and gone into your work meetings, you really have no idea how it feels. I cannot even explain all the feelings I've had today. I was scared and anxious and I felt like a stranger in my own place. People stared and people ignored you. These things are everyday occurrences for muslim women.

I also feel like we cannot have this whole conversation without acknowledging the Maori people who have lived with racism since the europeans arrived. It's a whole other topic, but even though we have been working so hard in the last few years to honour the Treaty, there's a lot of racist attitudes around. Up till now, I often haven't said anything when someone made a comment, but no longer. In the last week, I've looked at my own heart and attitudes. I've unfollowed a few people, I've called people out online and I've blocked people. I'm not going to be silent any more, it's hard to speak up, but if all of us do, things will have to change.

Hopping back on the blogging horse again....

I have been thinking about this space. When I logged in this morning, I realised I hadn’t written since last September. In part this is because I never quite got over the feedback that my life was “sad and depressing and no one needs that kind of negativity” and in part because full time work plus full time study turns out to equal a health breakdown by the end of the year.

But I’ve rested, dusted myself down, picked myself up and realised that writing in the space was a huge part for me of processing the feelings I have about things that happen. In short it was good for my mental health and now that I don’t do it, I have a lot of unresolved thoughts in my head jumbled about. I always wrote for myself first and foremost and so I’m taking up the pen (keyboard) again to sift through life and make sense of it.

Follow along if you want, but if you don’t that’s fine too. Life is messy and complicated and sometimes it’s sad. That’s just how it is. What’s that saying, it ain’t all sunshine and roses, but some of it is.

Here’s to finding the roses.

Snippets from my life as a #socialworkstudent

My life has narrowed down to three main things.

Work.

Parenting.

Study.

These three things are my focus.

I can hardly recognise this version of myself.

A version of myself that is happy to study in every spare minute.

And quite a few that aren't!

A version of myself where textbooks jostle for space at the end of my bed.

A version of myself that always has a journal article in my bag.

A version of myself that is working so hard on a long term goal.

There's lots of time for Annie to snuggle up with me.

She does her thing while I do my thing.

Reuben actually likes me being home.

He always knows where I am if he wants a chat.

We make the most of opportunities for fun times.

We eat a lot of chocolate self-saucing pudding to celebrate small things.

Sometimes I worry that I'll regret spending this time studying

when I could be maybe doing something else.

But honestly I'm still doing all the important things,

just less time doing things that aren't important.

And not worrying about the rest.

I might not be around so much in this space.

And in my day to day life too.

Because I'm transforming my life

one essay at a time.

Tomorrow is the first day of the new semester....

And I'm going to begin my Master's in Social Work. I was going to do one paper, but I can only get a student loan if I do two papers. So two it is.

Somehow being suddenly confronted with doubling the workload has definitely thrown me for a spin. I mean what if I can't even do this??? I have all these thoughts in my head and I'm struggling with them. A huge part of me wonders why I am audacious enough to even think I can do this.

What if my brains have somehow leaked out my ears over the last three years. What if this is as good as it gets and I can't go any further. What if I can't manage to balance my work, my family and my study. Will I even have any friends left at the end of this. What if I can't write essays any more or can't memorise the facts.

Basically, what if I fail?? There, that's the crux of it. What if I fail??

What's the worst that can happen?? I guess I'll be paying my student loan till I die. Which I probably will anyhow.

Failing is such an emotional term. But what would actually happen?? Probably not much to be honest except I wouldn't get to follow my dream. So I guess I have to want to fight for this dream more than I want to fail, if that makes sense. I have to be prepared to go home from work each night, cook tea, listen to violin practice, negotiate with the Resident Teen etc etc and then once that's over, study every single night. In other words I have to be prepared to put in the hard yards and just do this thing.

One foot in front of the other. Honestly, I'm terrified. But I want to be able to work with people in a meaningful way. I want to learn to be present when they are hurting. I want to listen in a way that empowers them. I want to encourage, make plans, offer opportunities. I want my life to be useful. I want to be useful every day when I go to work. I want to make a difference.

I don't know if I can, but I am going to try. Starting tomorrow with the first day of the new semester.

Getting things done is better than waiting till you can do it perfectly. And sometimes you just need to call it done and move on.

We have been living in our new house for just over two weeks now and it is starting to feel like home. It's so different being in town and having space at each end of the day. I had a lot of plans with what I want to do with the extra time, but I have to confess I spend a lot of it sleeping!! Especially in the mornings, it's so nice to lie in bed for an extra half an hour even if it does feel lazy. 

We are waiting to get the painting and kitchen finished so I haven't been able to do much sewing. But the other night I pulled out this thrifted quilt top. Honestly it's the wonkiest thing I ever found. It's not square, it doesn't lie flat and it has one million threads coming out of it. I honestly couldn't do much to it, so I just hand quilted across the width a few times and put a binding on.

Sometimes I just need a reminder that we don't always have to strive for perfection, that sometimes it is ok to just be a little wonky and a bit unfinished.

I've put an old flannelette sheet on the back and some heavier than normal batting. This quilt is snuggly and heavy... just the way we like them. No one who snuggles under it is going to give a rat's A** that it's wonky, they are just going to be comforted by it's warmth.

It was the perfect project to kick start my project list off. Not perfect, not even close it it, but still perfect for the task. I wish the person who spent soooooo many hours sewing it, could see it finished. I bet they were so discouraged they just sent it off to be donated. But by looking past it's (many) flaws, I can enjoy all the pretty fabrics they included. (I purposely didn't trim it square when I put the binding on to keep the organic feel!!)

I'm keeping this quilt as a reminder to me. I'm going to use it every opportunity. Because even though I'm a flawed human being who fails in so many ways, it's still ok to be me. I have a lot of things I want to achieve this year and I needed the reminder that (like this quilt) it won't be perfect and it might be a bit wonky, but a finished project is far better than an unfinished one hidden at the back of the cupboard.

Here's to moving forward!