Sunday, April 21, 2013

In which I have a tantrum {sorry}

The events of this week have shaken me.
(Sorry even my photos are a bit wobbly)
I find myself falling back into the habits of the last two years,
keeping the bench tidy, making sure the kettle is full and the phone is charged.
Somehow the events in Boston and Waco have reminded me
that we are not really safe anywhere.

I know I'm not the only one feeling like this.
I've talked to quite a few people feeling shaken up.

Also two weeks ago the fence around the CBD red zone
moved a bit and I finally got to stand where the children's school used to be.

I feel so ripped off that we waited and waited for the fence to move
and then when finally we get there

I realise this is completely illogical,
I knew they had pulled down both buildings

(yes they are shouty capitals)

I just wish with all of my heart I had a chance to say goodbye to all the teachers,
to the mum's I knew and to the kids I loved.
It was so much part of our life, we walked out one day
never dreaming we would never go back, not even to look at the building
it's completely gone, not a scrap remains.

I realise this is not old news people, I know this,
but I just can't seem to get past this, it feels like one blow too many.

I keep crying about it, and I know it's pathetic.
I know it's over two years, and I should be over it,
but really, it's gone and it's never coming back.
I waited and waited for that fence to move....
what was I thinking?? I just wanted to go back there,
somehow I managed to "forget" that the building wouldn't be there.
Nothing is there. Pretty much that whole block is gone.

Sorry I'm ranting. I'm just trying to make sense of it.

It's not just the building, it's the people, the community,
so much of our life was lived there.

I feel ripped off. Big time. *shakes fist

I know in my head, this is just a bad week.
Bad stuff happened and it makes the other things feel worse.
I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other 
and after a few weeks, the sadness will have dulled and it will be ok.

But it doesn't feel ok right now.
*lies on floor and has tantrum

I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm just trying to get my head around it.
The losses just go on and on and on and on. *sigh

Sometimes I'm just over it.


  1. Totally get where you are coming from.

  2. *e-hugging you* lots of aroha xxx

  3. You are allowed to have a tantrum my dear - totally understandable after what you guys have been through and are still going through. Sending love your way. xoxo

  4. Oh dearest Deb. You have been so amazingly strong for such a long long time. You are entitled to these feelings so do not apologise. Even the strongest of people are allowed to fall apart. and grief strikes when we least expect it. It is natural to grieve for your school, the friends, the staff.
    Seeing what you have been living with for these last two years left my heart broken a little bit more for you and all of Christchurch.
    Remember dear lady, this too will pass. But at the moment, just take care of you and your heart


  5. can i throw a fit with you?
    (wouldn't that be a sight?!)

    so much awhi and aroha coming your way xoxo

  6. Big love to you my gorgeous friend.

  7. Massive hug and love coming your way
    LOTS of love always n forever my darling Deb

  8. A big hug to you Deb. Wish I could do more.... Lisa xx

  9. Poor you.. boo hiss to all of that. I can't even imagine really. Well I can .. I can ONLY imagine, fortunately. * she touches wood*
    peace and kaha to you.

  10. I totally get you. It's disappointment and grief and arghhhhhhh all at the same time. You're right though - one foot in font if the other, nd the other ... And then despite more tantrums you'll come out so much stronger on the other side. Although I already think you're amazing.

  11. lots of love to you Deb. I still think of all my friends and family and old workmates, uni, my old workplace (which is gone) and all the places I used to go - I think of these things and people daily. some people might have 'moved on' but really, I don't see how you ever fully can. I haven't, and I don't even live in CHCH anymore! I'm so sorry for all that you have all been through. Love xoxo

  12. Everyone needs an ugly cry. <3
    Nuff said.

  13. Have you're rant ...I'm listening....I still think you're one amazing woman who just needs to vent every now and then....nothing wrong with that ( i did that today infact, many tears and some would say a tantrum?! ) lots of hugs to you xxx <3

  14. Have you're rant ...I'm listening....I still think you're one amazing woman who just needs to vent every now and then....nothing wrong with that ( i did that today infact, many tears and some would say a tantrum?! ) lots of hugs to you xxx <3

  15. I have had the same 'when is it ever going to end?' feelings this week too. You are allowed to feel this way, it is normal to grieve and there doesn't have to be a time limit.

  16. I hear you. It sux. This is year 3 for us all in Chch. It's said to be the worst after a disaster. We all have to be wary of blindsides, like the missing school, Boston, West Texas and now Sichuan, and make sure we give ourselves permission and time, like you have in this post, to vent, to process, to wail. It's the release valves we need or we'll probably all go mad. There is research into the value of art and craft work that says it is essential to rehabilitation. That you posted pics of all your work with those lovely fabrics says to me that you are healing and you are going to be okay. It doesn't make it fair. It doesn't make it hurt less. It doesn't make us forget. But it helps. We'll get thru.

  17. Sometimes light comes out of the darkest places, it's sometimes hard to find there. But letting go and fully embracing your feelings is always the right thing to do! Big hugs! xxxx

  18. Oh I should also mention I LOVE how this quilt of yours is sewing up! I can't wait to see it all finished :)

  19. It's often when things start to improve a little that we start to fall apart. We hold it together for the longest time, being strong for our children and just surviving each day. Then as life starts to have a routine we drop our guard and feelings rush in.
    You are but a normal feeling human being with a large heart. Have your tantrum and try to make sense of the world in your own way....tomorrows is another day full of hope and new beginnings. Hugs, xxxxxxxx

  20. Love you Deb - happy to provide a real bosomy hug if needed xxxx

  21. The gone-ness is awful isn't it, just wrenching. And it feels like your time there and those memories are more precarious because they dont have their tangible place anymore. Sounds like your prcessing it, uncomfortable as that is, and my heart goes out to you x

  22. I think the loss of routines and community are affecting us all - and you had expectations that it would be restored somehow - but the NOTHINGNESS is the end of hope.
    But the people are still there - struggling as well.
    Can you find any of them?

  23. Hi Deb.
    You're not alone. Isn't it weird the things that bring those earthquake feelings rushing back? Lovely and honest blog post. Thanks for sharing.

  24. I totally understand your frustration, and you need to vent. In a small way, when I was in Chch, a couple of months ago I felt similar. Somehow you need to say goodbye not just have it disappear. I feel so sorry for you it must be horrible.

  25. Please don't feel one bit sorry. LIke I said to you over coffee we all really feel your pain. You more than have the right to vent/ express your feelings/ rant. We can't imagine what it must be liked to have your life ripped away from you. Just love you heaps special lady. That's all I can say- us Aucklanders LOVE you xxxx

  26. Can only imagine the sadness and grief - tantrum away. needs must and we are here for you. Lots of hugs and love xxx Hang in there. Gorgeous blocs too xx

  27. I can relate to your pain. I remember how I felt the first time I saw the real results of the barkbeetle infestation in New Mexico - all the pinon trees on the hillsides were dead - in one short month it seemed, the beetles had killed over 95% of the pinon tree in this state and many others. Instead of a nice dark green, the hills were gray. I literally felt sick to my stomach. Then we had a massive forest fire that burned more than 43 square miles, the size of the county I live in. Eleven years later we had another fire, this one that, for a year, held the record as the largest forest fire to occur in the state. Seeing the devastation of the part of the world you live in and not seeing it recover quickly is demoralizing and can suck the very hope out of one's soul. I feel for you and send a virtual hug.

  28. I think we all deserve the chance to have a tantrum once in a while! I do know how you feel - but on a smaller scale. In fact, I'm a little ashamed now that the thing that brought me to the point of wanting a tantrum recently was on top of everything else, here we are in April, and we're still waking up to occasional SNOW! GAH! I'm SO done with winter!

  29. Oh Deb. Grief is a slippery and sticky thing.

    First, if you live to be 100 years old, you are never going to get over the earthquake. I wish I could tell you that you will but you won't. As I work towards my Palliative accreditation I am learning this.

    When I read about the Boston bombings they were talking about "beginning to heal" the next day! I shouted, "Are you f***ing kidding me!" at the TV. Why should anyone begin to heal the next day? The words sound so nice and calming, "begin to heal" but it is a trap that is the undoing of so many people.

    The fact of grief is we don't ever get over it. We pick it up and take it with us on our journey. That is not saying that we hold it everyday and it will always be a heavy burden. Through faith, family and friends we can share it and our load is lightened but it will always be a part of who we are. And why shouldn't it?

    Grief is a continuum. We walk that continuum around and around and around. Some days it hurts so much that we don't know how we can do it for one more day. Sometimes we want to die ourselves because it is robbing of us of joy and light. Other days, it is an easier load and we find that we can smile and laugh again. We can pick up our scrap heaps and make something beautiful.

    Grief will go that way for the rest of your life. Easy days, hard days. On and on it will go. Think of the hard days as being in the middle of the 'infinity' symbol. You know, the number 8 turned sideways? Some days you are right back in the middle and it is so painful. Other days you are on the outsides and it is bearable. But this is your path now. Around and around you will go.

    Allow the grief. It needn't be pushed aside. Get your scraps and cry. Talk to your family and friends and walk through together. Call upon your God, an ever present help in times of trouble. Tuck yourself into His arms.

    I am sending so much love to you. It will help a little.

  30. You know, when we did that walk around the city with our out of town visitors the other week I wandered off to go look at my old workshop through the red zone fence. I've had trouble putting how I felt about that into words, but God bless you - you have voiced it for me!

  31. Deb - I can totally relate. The loss and great and it does go on and on and on. It's such a shock to see the familiar not there anymore, such a shock. Hugs to you.


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