on hurting

Years ago I worked for a man who was cruel and harsh.

I was young and at his mercy and he told me it was his job to break me.

He succeeded, and then after that I spent a long time

working to become a whole person again.

This summer as part of my Uni studies, 

I found myself in a situation where someone did not value what I was doing

and as well as being rude, just walked rough shod over my work.

I kinda laughed it off at the time but as the weeks have gone by

and I have to prepare to face that person again,

I found that I began to feel more and more overwhelmed by my tasks.

On the face of it, everything seemed fine, but I felt disconnected from what I usually love,

I didn't take lots of photos each day and I stopped sewing in every spare minute.

I hid myself in my work and in my spare moments, in reading.

I tried to get motivated but I just couldn't get a grip on it

and I didn't know why. 

But then I remembered the harsh man in my past,

and the awkward situation I have to deal with and I realised there was a connection.

I realised that even though I have deal with what happened in the distant past

and rationalised what happened in the immediate past,

because of the scars of the past pain,

I am vulnerable to people who knock me down.

I don't cope well with that situation.

I easily let them walk over me.

I emailed my tutor and asked for advice (without telling him the history)

and he gave me good advice. I don't have to face the person again

thanks to the powers of the internet and email!

This morning I got up and sewed for half an hour,

took some photos and wrote this post.

I'm fine, and I feel so relieved

but I am surprised that the old scars are still there,

reminding me of how far I have come.