Tuesday, January 28, 2014

on hurting

Years ago I worked for a man who was cruel and harsh.
I was young and at his mercy and he told me it was his job to break me.
He succeeded, and then after that I spent a long time
working to become a whole person again.

This summer as part of my Uni studies, 
I found myself in a situation where someone did not value what I was doing
and as well as being rude, just walked rough shod over my work.

I kinda laughed it off at the time but as the weeks have gone by
and I have to prepare to face that person again,
I found that I began to feel more and more overwhelmed by my tasks.

On the face of it, everything seemed fine, but I felt disconnected from what I usually love,
I didn't take lots of photos each day and I stopped sewing in every spare minute.
I hid myself in my work and in my spare moments, in reading.

I tried to get motivated but I just couldn't get a grip on it
and I didn't know why. 

But then I remembered the harsh man in my past,
and the awkward situation I have to deal with and I realised there was a connection.

I realised that even though I have deal with what happened in the distant past
and rationalised what happened in the immediate past,
because of the scars of the past pain,
I am vulnerable to people who knock me down.
I don't cope well with that situation.
I easily let them walk over me.

I emailed my tutor and asked for advice (without telling him the history)
and he gave me good advice. I don't have to face the person again
thanks to the powers of the internet and email!

This morning I got up and sewed for half an hour,
took some photos and wrote this post.

I'm fine, and I feel so relieved
but I am surprised that the old scars are still there,
reminding me of how far I have come.


  1. Wow, I only know you as the strong powerful loving person. Sorry to hear someone bought you down. Glad to hear you are back on your feet xox. see you sunday

  2. Good Job standing up and speaking up. You are so strong and brave. Love all the fabric in your photos!! Sending hugs your way xoxox

  3. Bullies can follow us about our lives years after they have left us physically. I am proud that you have found a better way to deal with this person. Sometimes it is just better to stay away from people like that.

  4. The past has such a big affect on us, no matter how much we might think it doesn't. Sometimes we turn a corner and get hit in the face with our past and our knees buckle.
    Glad you managed to sort things out in a way that was graceful and dignified and has brought your mojo back to life as well.

  5. I'm happy for you. Glad you were able to deal with the situation at hand and deal with the past when you're ready. Good for you!

  6. It can be so hard to "un-get" something sometimes. I find getting over hurts to be very difficult as my mind gets stuck on replay and sometimes with that bubbling away in my sub conscious I then become distracted. I get a distracted mind so I spend too much time online trying to escape me, those hurt or confused feelings. I am right there with you Deb and sending big hugs over the Tasman xx

  7. people can really be mean and thoughtless. i am glad you are finidng you time

  8. It's certainly interesting to discover that things that affected us in the past are usually bubbling under the surface when we thought it was done and dusted. It reminds me that we have to be kind to ourselves and not disappointed that we are going over the same old ground years later. Our sub conscience is a powerful thing and it doesn't take much for old hurts to affect us. I suppose that is part of the journey of life, learning to negotiate our feelings, recognise how they affects us and how we manage that. Seems like you are doing a great job at that.
    Anne xx

  9. People have no idea how much power they have to shape us. So glad you don't have to face that horrible person again! xxx

  10. Scars are part of our makeup and never really go away - there is no bio-oil for our insides! Glad you have found a way to continue happy and move forward xx

  11. I like that you realised what was wrong because you had stopped being you. Isn't that always the best tell that something is remiss when our passions fade and our confidence wavers. As usual your own beauty, selfassessment and peace is an encouragement to us all. I love the way you lead by being genuinely you x x

  12. That is an incredible and moving story. The past always seems to affect our present. I loathe people like that and it is one of the reasons that I get enormous pleasure from my work as an advocate. It is awesome that you have made that connection and I pray that there will never be another time like that.

  13. I can really identify with your post! Thank you for sharing such a tender thing with us. I am happy that you were able to work it out to your advantage!

  14. The trauma caused by sociopathic people never really goes away - we just have to recognise it and detect the red flags next time to avoid a similar experience. Congratulations on not only identifying the effect it has had on you, but finding a way to do something about it. The sad thing is there are probably others still suffering too - I hope that your complaint about him might make them eventually realise there is a problem . Bullies are not always obvious - and often their behaviour is tolerated for too long.
    They certainly should not be involved in education!

  15. It's odd, isn't it, how you can think you are over something and it is far in your past and then WHAM! Glad to know you are getting back on track and don't have to deal with this person.

  16. Oh Deb! Once again, my heart is with you. Isn't it peculiar/awful how ingrained those defensive responses become. I'm so pleased you sorted it out and so hope that the coming semester is full of the satisfaction and joy of good and important work.

  17. Oh Deb xxx
    Can't wait to give you a real life hug SOON and share a cuppa and a chat
    I am currently facing something so similar with a school parent and I have huge anxiety walking into school ;'(

  18. Oh Deb, I missed this post. Hugs!! Glad you came out the other side, I hate it when people don't appreciate, especially someone as kind, caring, giving and creative as you xxx

  19. Love your honesty and wisdom as always Deb. Glad you sorted it and can face the new year unencumbered x


Thanks so much for dropping by. I love to hear from you and I want you to know that I really appreciate each comment!!