Monday, November 2, 2015

thoughts on life after marriage

This year as I've been patching my post-end of marriage life back together,
I've been learning a lot about myself, about love and about relationships.

Although I am no longer with David,
I am still in almost daily contact with him because we have children together.
I am stoked to see that (after a few initial hiccups) that he 
is building a life for himself that he loves.

He has found someone else who likes to experience life
the way he wants to and I'm so glad about that.

It surprises me that people think that I will be upset about this.
But the reality is that even though I still care about him,
I don't want to live with him anymore;
and so I'm thrilled to bits that he is moving on with his life
and making decisions about how he wants this to look.

In this way, I actually feel like I am living the promises I made to him,
to honour and respect him till death us do part.

I myself have had a few adventures in meeting guys because I 
wanted to see if it was possible, if anyone would actually want me.
These mostly end in disaster. It turns out mutual loneliness is not
a compelling reason to want to talk to someone. 

Because I had never ever dated,
I have zero skills when it comes to talking to guys
and so I now have a collection of funny and not so funny stories
about how not to date.

One stand out example of this is a guy called James who i really liked,
but who had been in prison for assault, was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict,
and who was a compulsive liar
and eventually died when his motorbike hit a horse.

This is actually a true story.

Things I have learned this year about myself...

I am stronger than I thought
I will only be treated as well as I treat myself
It is a mistake to confuse being needed with love
Being by yourself is not a bad thing
There is peace to be found in the quiet spaces

These three quilts were made from one small basket of scraps
that I found when I helped David clean out his garage.

I made three quite different quilts from them,
and although the scraps are mostly vintage sheets
the quilts have quite a modern look about them.

 Like these three patched together from scraps quilts, 
I am contented to keep patching my life back together,
to reclaim that which I lost over the years,
to make mistakes and to make the best of things.

I won't lie, there have been a lot of tears
and a lot of hard times this year.
I feel like my heart is surrounded by sandpaper.

But right now I'm happy.
I'm keen to keep going forward by myself
making the best of things, making plans for the future
and with high hopes that this will work out ok.

It is all going to be ok.


  1. Beautiful post Deb - I laughed inappropriately about the james story. xxx love you.

  2. I feel like I am prying into someone else's private thoughts reading this. But I still read it because you conveyed your thoughts in such a heartfelt manner.

  3. A heart surrounded by sand paper. What a way with words. Big hugs to you as you move on in happiness.

  4. hit a horse? I snorted my tea out my nose...
    ..but anyway, I really like your hashtag ..#icandohardthings - we often think that we can't and we tend to ignore small milestones but we can do hard things ..heck, we gave birth - can't get much harder than that but we did it, we survived and honestly, nothing can be as hard as that (well, I hope not anyway)

  5. I am so proud of you and your journey ... You continue to inspire me ... Love you ❤️👏🏻

  6. Funny date story! You have a lovely out look, your thoughts of your ex husband are wonderful for your children, i wish all marriages that do have to end could be like that. The world would be a better place, no bitter, angry ex's.........................
    P.S great quilts!

  7. I am glad you are piecing your life back together. It took me a long time to recover from my failed marriage and be at a place where I was OK with it. Now I don't look at my marriage as a failure but two people wanting different things and walking on very different paths. Sometimes I think that women change a lot as they age but men mostly stay the same. It can make it very hard; sometimes too hard. I used to think that marriage was forever no matter what but I am older now and know that it can't always be the case. We do our best.

    I don't know whether to laugh or cry at your date story! He sounds like one of those people that lived life on the edge and there was never a dull moment.

  8. it is good to reflect, and yet be so positive and funny (poor James) , wishing you wind beneath your wings , that you keep rising and seeing new wonderful adventures and opportunities in front of you .xx

  9. Just wanted to wish you well as you travel forward with your new life post divorce. Love the picture of the quilts, depicting what beautiful things can come from scraps. You are starting out on a beautiful new journey and look ready to grasp it with both hands. Safe travelling.

  10. I'm glad you're feeling happy and I have to say it's nice to read about a marriage that was ended with mutual respect and feeling good about when things go well for the other person. It's a shame that the marriage needed to end though. All the best for a happy future for you both and for your children

  11. Am so happy to hear how you are finding courage and managing, growing and learning. So positive xx

  12. Your quilts are so very nice - it's amazing what can come of garage finds! You have a lovely outlook on your mariage and you DO honor your ex - I hope he knows this and how rare it is, how rare your heart is. Thank you for sharing such innermost feelings - many of us have been where you are. It's gets better. it gets much better. Time teaches us how beautiful solitude can be and how special we are. Please kow that you are special indeed!

  13. These quilts are beautiful, your story is beautiful, you are beautiful. Happy Holidays


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