Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Feeling unloveable

I wrote a few weeks ago about how Mr W and I parted ways a few months ago.
Since I left David I've met a few guys (mostly on that infamous dating app)
but obviously it hasn't turned out that well.
This is not news to anyone, but dating is super hard.
Super super hard.

The big problem is not all about the guys of course, 
it's me. There is probably not anything wrong with me.

If I'm being honest, it is about how I see myself.
Basically it comes down to the fact that I feel unloveable.

In theory, I know that I'm probably ok as a person.
But deep down inside, I still feel fundamentally unlovely.
I'm pretty sure I'm not alone, lots of us struggle with this.

If I'm being really honest, when I think about myself,
I see someone who is just not good enough,
someone who is inherently unloveable,
not attractive, not funny, not much fun.

Some of this is from those voices in our head,
things people have
[intentionally or unintentionally] said to us or about us.

Some of it is our natural insecurity.
Some of it is how we were brought up.
Part of it is how we see ourselves when we compare ourselves with others.

When I left David, 
somebody said I would never find anybody else to love me. 

I know in my head that isn't true, there has to be at least one person
who will put up with me, just as I am.
There must be someone who thinks I'm attractive (poor man)
someone who wants to spend time with me
and take the risk of sharing their life with me.

But there's still that little voice in my head....

I'm working out how to make it shut up.


  1. There's a book called "The Happiness Trap" that has a chapter on how to defuse or detach yourself from negative thoughts. If it's in your local library, then I really recommend it. Keeping the negative thoughts in check helps me to free up brain space to appreciate the good things in life. Thanks for sharing your journey with us, I'm sure all your readers identify with the highs and lows you talk about your blog. Best wishes to you, and keep on making those beautiful quilts, you have a wonderful talent. XOX, Jenni

  2. You have much to offer the world, your posts and lovely warm and cosy pictures helped me when I was struggling just lately. All of us are loveable...we alll bring something to the table.....if we don't judge others we will not be judged open your heart to the world, as you take your thoughts away from yourself others will be able to see the warm caring person left and respond.....if they don't it's not because of you it's because they too struggle and they are not quite ready to see the beauty you bring.

  3. You gotta love yourself.......because you need to be your own best friend. Have you read any of Louise Hay's words? Do you not see how beautiful you are? I can see from women needs a man to feel beautiful, excepted and loved that has to come from within ourselves. What would happen if you could only be complete, happy and loved if you were loved by a man, then you got that man, then he died? See it's too much to hold onto, you have to build yourself, love yourself see the wonderful, loving caring, generous person that you really are....then IF some bloke worthy of you comes along it will only be the sprinkles on the cake of life, not the cake or the icing even! Please don't feel alone pick up the phone and talk to one of the many friends you love you, afterall you would want them to do the same wouldn't you?

  4. I have also found you to be a super lady. turn off these bad thoughts. I have been in the same position as you. who would want to date some one 4 kids. during my relationship with the x I had gone into such a negative hole, that I no longer believed in myself. but then started thinking, well I only have myself now and I am now going to do things that I have always wanted to do but thought I could not. I really did not have anything to lose. you can achieve so much more then you move the negative thoughts out of you brain. Tell your self that you are loveable. I love you.

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  6. Lots and lots of bloggy love to you Deb. Those unhelpful untrue comments by people at the wrong moment really suck. :(

  7. We all have those thoughts, I still can't see what my husband sees in me and he can't see what I see in him either. Both of us can tell eachother, but we can't make the other actually "see" it. Everyone is worthy of love, it is part of being human, just have to find the right person. In the meantime though, focus on loving yourself, think of all the good things about you and remind yourself why you're wonderful!
    I'm trying to do that myself at the moment, reminding myself that I do a pretty darned good job as a parent to special needs kids, that I'm talented with fibre etc. Start with a few good things and then add to them, if you're not sure what they are ask your kids and your friends. One that comes to mind for me is you're incredibly insightful.

  8. The work of becoming truly ourselves is the biggest wip, a lifetime project, and unlearning that snarky little voice and finding love for ourselves is freakin difficult! Whoever said you would never find someone else to love you needs to be shot into the sun. No one has ever been so wrong in the entire history of wrongness. Stick with the people (especially women) who lift you up. Also - dating is arse, and super hard work. You are magnificent.

  9. It is so hard, isn’t it! Do most women feel fundamentally flawed? I know I do. In a huge way. I know I am a good person and that I’m kind and a great mom and that I am great at my job, but... But I feel like it’s all fake and once people see the real me they will see that I am just... not right.
    Anyway, I know where you are coming from. It’s a slow journey out I think. And then we have to work at it forever.

  10. I don't know much about your past but I do remember you saying you grew up in a cult and someone else made most of your life choices when you were young, including who you would marry. I see that as one very big reason why you may feel unlovable, you didn't go through the normal process of getting to know someone and them getting to know you and come to the conclusion yourself whether they loved you and you loved them enough to be in a long term relationship. I grew up in a cult too, fortunately I was able to choose my own partner but with labels attached. We both had to be baptised otherwise we would be unequally yolked. It had to be someone in my church otherwise I would have been cast out. We couldn't be alone together in a private place as it might give the appearance of evil, blah, blah, blah. All that was based on what others thought, nothing about how me and my boyfriend felt. Other areas of our lives were tightly controlled, wearing modest clothes, whether we could wear makeup or not, first we could, then we couldn't, then we could. We didn't celebrate birthdays (that would make us vain as the focus was on you), we didn't keep Christmas (it was pagan), we couldn't eat certain foods..... I'm not telling you all this to look for sympathy more to say that when people control our lives from such an early age, I was five when my parents joined this church, we have had a very limited opportunity to see things as they really are. We are given a screwed opinion of ourselves by those teachings and influences. I was told God saw me as rotting refuse in the bottom of a bin, I stank and I had to repent of that. Those messages damage us, we never feel worthy of being loved when we are told these things. We always think we are wrong, we are bad, we are horrible, that we are being vain if we look for the good in ourselves. It has taken me a very long time to get from the point of realising I am worthy of being loved for me. Realising that I'm o.k., that I'm o.k. with me flaws and all. I have a place on this earth, I'm lovable. Obviously I've not had experiences like you've had these past three years or so but you did the right thing for you. To find out who you were, to finally make choices for you and that is bl**dy hard. Changing our self talk is unbelievably difficult, we have to continually give ourselves positive feedback, encourage ourselves, delight in ourselves, laugh at ourselves, have fun with ourselves and yes love ourselves. If we can't love ourselves first how can we possibly love others. If we don't think we are worthy of being loved, how can we possibly show others they are truly worthy of being loved. I bet you tell you kids beautiful loving things all the time, you encourage them, nurture them, comfort them. You need to do that for and to yourself. It's gonna be hard, very hard but you can do it and it will slowly make a difference. Now I'm sure you know all this stuff already 'cos you are a really smart, brave and wonderful lady, but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else just to back you up. BTW, I existed the cult I grew up in over 20 years ago, the best thing I ever did. Giving the the middle finger to all organisations that suck the soul, life and love from people. Be very, very kind to yourself Deb and gentle too, very gentle. You are SO very worthy of love. xxxx

  11. Yes Deb, you need to change your opinion of yourself as by feeling negative about yourself, then that is what your put out there and that is what you attractive, so the guys you meet will be negative also. I am really impressed with what Anne has commented about in the last post, everything she says is so true and as she says you already know all of it.You are so worthy of love and someone who cares for you, because that is the true person you are. xx

  12. I have a figure of an ant on my desk and several ant stickers through out my house. They are to remind to stomp out "ANTS" which stand for the Automatic Negative Thoughts that I fall into. I have gotten better at recognizing them which sounds like you have. That is the first step to stomping them out. Now you need to replace them with positive ones. Don't have an acronym for those yet!


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