I wrote a few weeks ago about how Mr W and I parted ways a few months ago.
Since I left David I've met a few guys (mostly on that infamous dating app)
but obviously it hasn't turned out that well.
This is not news to anyone, but dating is super hard.
Super super hard.
The big problem is not all about the guys of course,
it's me. There is probably not anything wrong with me.
If I'm being honest, it is about how I see myself.
Basically it comes down to the fact that I feel unloveable.
In theory, I know that I'm probably ok as a person.
But deep down inside, I still feel fundamentally unlovely.
I'm pretty sure I'm not alone, lots of us struggle with this.
If I'm being really honest, when I think about myself,
I see someone who is just not good enough,
someone who is inherently unloveable,
not attractive, not funny, not much fun.
Some of this is from those voices in our head,
things people have
[intentionally or unintentionally] said to us or about us.
Some of it is our natural insecurity.
Some of it is how we were brought up.
Part of it is how we see ourselves when we compare ourselves with others.
When I left David,
somebody said I would never find anybody else to love me.
I know in my head that isn't true, there has to be at least one person
who will put up with me, just as I am.
There must be someone who thinks I'm attractive (poor man)
someone who wants to spend time with me
and take the risk of sharing their life with me.
But there's still that little voice in my head....
I'm working out how to make it shut up.