Sunday, July 15, 2018
Tomorrow is the first day of the new semester....
And I'm going to begin my Master's in Social Work. I was going to do one paper, but I can only get a student loan if I do two papers. So two it is.
Somehow being suddenly confronted with doubling the workload has definitely thrown me for a spin. I mean what if I can't even do this??? I have all these thoughts in my head and I'm struggling with them. A huge part of me wonders why I am audacious enough to even think I can do this.
What if my brains have somehow leaked out my ears over the last three years. What if this is as good as it gets and I can't go any further. What if I can't manage to balance my work, my family and my study. Will I even have any friends left at the end of this. What if I can't write essays any more or can't memorise the facts.
Basically, what if I fail?? There, that's the crux of it. What if I fail??
What's the worst that can happen?? I guess I'll be paying my student loan till I die. Which I probably will anyhow.
Failing is such an emotional term. But what would actually happen?? Probably not much to be honest except I wouldn't get to follow my dream. So I guess I have to want to fight for this dream more than I want to fail, if that makes sense. I have to be prepared to go home from work each night, cook tea, listen to violin practice, negotiate with the Resident Teen etc etc and then once that's over, study every single night. In other words I have to be prepared to put in the hard yards and just do this thing.
One foot in front of the other. Honestly, I'm terrified. But I want to be able to work with people in a meaningful way. I want to learn to be present when they are hurting. I want to listen in a way that empowers them. I want to encourage, make plans, offer opportunities. I want my life to be useful. I want to be useful every day when I go to work. I want to make a difference.
I don't know if I can, but I am going to try. Starting tomorrow with the first day of the new semester.